For so long I have been huddled up in this cacoon of self doubt and second guessing myself about everything I do. I honestly do not know where it stemmed from; or I probably do but don’t care to admit it even to myself. Because it’s a long winding path to an abyss I’d rather not revisit even in my thoughts. As an adolescent, I was shy and standing before the whole school; teachers, students and sometimes parents on School’s Day or MDD was one of my greatest fears. But I conquered that fear and sang before the whole school (often as part of a duet) and it was such an exhilarating experience. Boy could I sing. From as far back as I can recall I used to have one of the best essays (most times the very best) in English paper one which was about composition writing. My teacher of English (as he taught me to say) was my greatest encouragement and I even went ahead to chair the committee that published the annual school magazine. Now I look back at all that and I feel like such a huge loser. Because I seemingly threw all that away. Why?
Well I’ll tell you why. After high school, I got admitted to uni. I soon learned that this was a different environment altogether. It was nothing like I was used to. I don’t really know how or why it happened but some where during that transition I totally lost myself. And from that time onwards it was downhill. I never really did find myself again. And I at one point started wondering if I even knew myself to begin with. It’s really been a confusing time. There’s so much I have learned and unlearned in that period, it seems like I’m starting my life all over. Afresh.
As I write this, I’m still trying to figure out a lot of things. I’m taking it one step at a time. I don’t know what I will discover a long the way. But I hope I’m mature enough to not run away from my fears but face them head on. I hope I have found the courage to deal with things rather than sweep them under the rug. Because quite honestly, there is so much under the rug already I don’t think I can fit anything more under there.