Growth.

For so long I have been huddled up in this cacoon of self doubt and second guessing myself about everything I do. I honestly do not know where it stemmed from; or I probably do but don’t care to admit it even to myself. Because it’s a long winding path to an abyss I’d rather not revisit even in my thoughts. As an adolescent, I was shy and standing before the whole school; teachers, students and sometimes parents on School’s Day or MDD was one of my greatest fears. But I conquered that fear and sang before the whole school (often as part of a duet) and it was such an exhilarating experience. Boy could I sing. From as far back as I can recall I used to have one of the best essays (most times the very best) in English paper one which was about composition writing. My teacher of English (as he taught me to say) was my greatest encouragement and I even went ahead to chair the committee that published the annual school magazine. Now I look back at all that and I feel like such a huge loser. Because I seemingly threw all that away. Why?

Well I’ll tell you why. After high school, I got admitted to uni. I soon learned that this was a different environment altogether. It was nothing like I was used to. I don’t really know how or why it happened but some where during that transition I totally lost myself. And from that time onwards it was downhill. I never really did find myself again. And I at one point started wondering if I even knew myself to begin with. It’s really been a confusing time. There’s so much I have learned and unlearned in that period, it seems like I’m starting my life all over. Afresh.

As I write this, I’m still trying to figure out a lot of things. I’m taking it one step at a time. I don’t know what I will discover a long the way. But I hope I’m mature enough to not run away from my fears but face them head on. I hope I have found the courage to deal with things rather than sweep them under the rug. Because quite honestly, there is so much under the rug already I don’t think I can fit anything more under there.

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Dating.

In a world where everyone has an opinion on who you should date and who you shouldn’t, dating has become something of a controversy. People want to have direct opinions on anything and everything concerning your dating life. By people, I am not talking about only your friends and family but also strangers. Yes, with the evolution of the internet and technology at large, the world has become one global village. Everyone knows everyone. Or at the very least someone knows someone you know.

With social media taking root in most of our lives, updating statuses about the daily occurrences in our lives has become the norm. This kind of exposure makes the people we interact with feel like they know us more than just off the internet. Which isn’t true in most cases. But if a person is seeing the inside of your private world everyday, they definitely feel like they know you on a personal level. This in effect makes them feel entitled to having an opinion on said private life that they are experiencing with you on a daily level. All this sounds unbecoming but it happens subconsciously. By letting people know what’s happening in your world, you’re letting them be a part of that world.

Dating is one of the things that make it to our social media accounts these days. Somehow the thrill of a new relationship, the excitement of doing things and going places together overwhelms us and we find ourselves sharing these moments on our social media. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook have all provided a platform for us to share the inner workings of our lives and more particularly our relationships. This in turn makes the people we interact with on these platforms feel entitled to comment on our updates.

Debates have sprung up more often than not on social media about who should date whom and who shouldn’t. And these standards blind us in what would probably be awesome relations with other people; but we overlook them because certain people do not have qualities that conform to standards set by your followers or friends on social media. You’re stuck in a place of “what will they think if I am involved with this kind of person?”

In my opinion, much as social media opens our eyes to the wrong things in our society such as misogyny, rape, disrespect, low self esteem and many many others, one should also learn to be comfortable in their own skin and be able to trust that they make the best decisions for themselves. It’s good to take advice from other people. But that is as far as it should go. No one should make your decisions for you. Because no one is living your life for you. The first person to look out for in this life is you; and the rest follow in line. This is not being selfish. It’s good to care about people. But they should come after you. Because how will you look after your loved ones if you have failed to look after yourself? Like the famous saying goes, you cannot pour out of an empty cup. Self love is a virtue everyone needs to adopt.

Therefore, if your partner is the perfect fit for you, if they make you happy then go for it. Go all the way with them. Keep it to a minimum with social media. Update only when you have got to. But most importantly seive through the advice that you get and take only what works for you. Keep toxic people at bay.

BFF no more

We first became friends at campus. We had been to the same high school, in the same class but we had never said so much as a hi to each other. Not that we hated each other, Not at all. She was just the new quiet girl in class and I was – well, I was Phyllis.  Being Phyllis means, I wasnt exactly a celebrity but I was well known. First and largely for being a teacher’s daughter, and then bse I was the chief editor of our school magazine. (I know, I know)

So she was in her own quiet small world and I was in my own not so quiet and not so small world. I was part of a clique and – well, we just had our own jazz and stories. Stories we made together during holidays.

Fast forward to first semester at campus, we found ourselves in the same class both on gov’t sponsorship and as fate could have it our halls of residence were just 100 metres apart. We grew close – quite naturally considering we were from the same high school. We did everything together. We went to class together, dodged class together, covered for each other when one missed class. We became best friends. It was awesome. I had never been that close to anybody before.

But then campus ended. And our happy best friendship bubble was momentarily shaken. We still kept in touch of course but didnt see each other quite as often. We didnt hang out together anymore heck, I could barely move 2km without feeling I was overstretching my budget leave alone the energy to spend all night twerking my less than big ass on some guy’s crotch.

We knew things would be different after campus but we just werent ready for it. And then we got a small contract job where we were assigned to work together.Boy oh boy it was an amazing thirty days. I got a job and that kept me busy for the next couple of weeks. Meanwhile she got a job too and it finally hit us. We were growing up. Life was catching up with us. It was sad.I knew things could never be the same again. But we kept in touch over the phone. Constantly texting so i felt I wasnt missing out alot on her life and she on mine.

Gradually we both got permanent jobs. Permanency means more demanding and threfore less time for yourself. We grew even farther apart. Even the phone calls and texts were less frequent. It hurt. Alot. I felt so alone; I’d been feeling alone for quite sometime now but it began to feel so final and so official.

Until this morning when her reply to my text was you know how busy we all are. i dont know why but it sounded so final and deep inside i knew i had lost the one bestfriend i had ever had.

The handwriting tag

hehehehehe Who even starts any blopost like that? But its funny, bse actually I wasnt tagged to do this challenge but I did it anyway for reasons best known to me which will be revealed to you by the end of this post.

I have always lowkey wanted to show off my handwriting because even I crush on my handwriting…it’s beautiful undoubtedly. The curves of my d’s and b’s and p’s and s’s would make Nicki Minaj jealous. All through  my school days I got presents for best handwriting (drumroll). A good thing too bse otherwise Idk what other gifts I could have gotten.

Trust me to make a big deal out of this seemingly small and silly challenge…but honestly its not everyday that a girl gets to show of her handwriting especially in this era where all forms of communucation have been digitalised. So when I saw Beaton’s blog about the handwriting tag, I literally jumped at the challenge and here I am.

P.s If you dont agree that I have the prettiest handwriting in the whole wide world, go argue with your elementary school teacher.

My blue bic pen has no cover b’se I am careless like that

Being Human

Being human is hard. No, really it is. Your life is literally a rollercoaster of things that you have to go through, 90% of which you have no idea how to go through or how you even got there in the first place. You live your life believing all the things you have been raised to believe in, taking for granted all the thoughts you have, and ignoring all the little things that matter most in your life.

I mean we spend almost all our lives trying to better ourselves. Everything we do is just to make ourselves better than we currently are. The being born, going to school – and spending almost your entire childhood and teenage life among stangers-

And then one day, as you take that morning jog you have so often taken thirty minutes before getting ready to work, you run smack dab into a tree. A really huge tree. you stop and chuckle to yourself in surprise, like how could i really not see this big tree? Maybe you are at a good point in your life; you have a wonderful job, you are in great shape of body and mind, you have an amazing partner, and generally you couldnt really ask for more.That has a lot to say for your reaction.

But then again, you may get all angry and pissed and literally smoking at the top of your head and you start thinking; “what the hell was that tree doing right in the middle of my path? why would i run into a tree? what is wrong with these uncordinated body parts of mine? what the fuck is wrong with everything and everyone?” Maybe you’re in a really bad place atm. Nothing seems to be going right, money just slips out of your hands, your are fighting with the person you love most, your friends seem too busy even to spare thirty minutes for a chat, the pressure from your job is literally chocking you. If you are lucky to have a job. nothing seems to be going right. at all. That will explain your reaction too.

The whole point is our status quo more often than not determines our reaction to the varius things that life throws in our path. When we are generally happy, we find good in almost everything we experience. We laugh off the insults that maybe thrown at us, or any other misfortunes we may encounter. When we are unhappy on the other hand, we are mad at every little thing that crosses our paths, even the tiniest of things that don’t matter much are  enough to piss us off. We hardly find any humour in anything and generally life sucks. Literally.

Therefore, while dealing with people, lets just cut each other some slack because you never know what the other person is going through and much as it is not your fault for the way they react to you, they are human before anything else. And so are you. Taking time to understand the source of their reaction or where they are coming from would be a very kind act on their side.

 

 

 

WRITER IN ME

I know for a fact there is a writer in me. She is there, I know she is, I can feel her. Sometimes nudging to get out, and me surpressing her because I know she just isn’t fully grown yet, not for this. Sometimes I feel she’s growing, perhaps a teenager and I can feel her raging emotions all over the place. Sometimes she escapes like all teenagers do, in quest for new adventures, in the hope that she’ll fit in with others of her kind, trying to be recognised by her peers, trying to impress her crush who is as eloquent as they come, trying to show everyone that she too can do this thing; that its just a walk in the park for her like it is for everyone else.

But deep down she knows she isn’t ready. She admits it too, except she hates to admit anything to me. Apparently, she is supposed to disagree with everything I say, whether we both know  its true or not. I know this bse I stumbled upon her journal the other day and I flipped through. I know it is wrong but I just couldn’t help it, because lets face it, she’s a part of me as much as I am of her. So somehow I deserved to know. And I am not trying to justify my breach of her privacy.

In said journal she also said she’s waiting for inspiration to strike. She said she knows she’ll know it when it comes. She wrote of the times she sometimes drifts off all of a sudden and falls in a writing frenzy, sometimes without enough writing space and so she squeezes words on a paper napkin at a coffee shop or ice cream parlour, or in a taxi and she types wildly away at her phone, sometimes exceeding her destination. Bits of many stories, ideas and thoughts that do not connect but make much sense, maybe only to her because no one else ever gets to read these.

Or how sometimes halfway through her workload she opens her wordpress draft and types away through the next hour or so, posts that never get published. I ask her about all this. I ask her why so much passion in her is still sizzling left un tapped, I ask her why she doesn’t let it all out, why she lets it bottle up  in her. And she laughs in that little teenage way of hers, that way that quietly says ‘I am just fifteen, I have my whole life ahead of me’ but aloud she says its not my time yet, I’ll know it when my time is here.

But we both know what she leaves unsaid. And however much infectious her confidence is, I know she nurses a quiet fear. I know she asks herself, “what if that time never comes? What if it comes and it passes and I don’t even notice?” I don’t need to read her journal to know this. I know her as well as she knows herself, maybe better. And so she withdraws into herself in that little teenage way of hers and plugs her earphones into her ears grabs a book and heads up to her room, like she always does when we both know there is something  we need to talk about but are not willing to talk about. And I am left there shaking my head and thinking how crazy teenagers are these days.